SUCCESS

     Whether it be his mirror-like chrome-dome or his questionably extensive knowledge of American history, we can all agree Erik Carey is certainly a one-of-a-kind character.

     A mysterious figure, not much is known about the personal life of Erik. Born in Bald Head Village, Maine, he lives a simple life, carrying on the shining personality of his ancestors. 

     At the age of approximately 5,273, fresh out of college, Erik took up a job teaching in Somerset County. From 1995 to present, he's enlightened the young minds of central Maine.

     You may notice that, as of now, Erik is 5,299 years old, however Bald Head Village was constructed in 1985. Though this may make the article seem to be "fake news," this actually means that either Erik had been in hibernation since 317 B.C, and upon emerging in the village as a small child was taken in, or that the village is a relic from prehistoric times. The truth is currently unknown, as Erik refuses to elaborate.

     Currently Erik teaches 8th and 7th grade social studies, specializing in American history since he was alive for all of it.

     Per David Attenborough, "The woild Carey is indeed a magnificent specimen. It usually spends it's time watching football and polishing it's forehead, however in the wild it feeds on cheeseburgers (when available) and it's only predator is the wild Ferrari, who will taunt it about it's age."

     When asked further questions, David refused to answer.